An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinnessand sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one inturn.When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders threemore.The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it;it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishmanreplies,"Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other inAustralia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promisedthat we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the sameway: heorders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from eachof them in turn.One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in thebar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the secondround, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but Iwanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eyeand he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me...""...I've quit drinking!"

The children begged for a bunny rabbit, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one.
They named it Danny.
Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.
The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time--we'll miss him."
"Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes."
Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."
But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage."
With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, "Danny?

We thought you said Daddy!"

An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.
The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??"
Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, rec ycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The Englishman listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"
Englishman: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't.
In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England."
After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in France?" Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
Englishman: "We don't. In England, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France."

A man is dating three women and wants to pick one to marry.
He decides to give them a test.
He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total make over.
She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up, and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.
She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.
She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market.
She earns several times the £5,000.
She gives him back his £5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.
She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
^^^^^^
^^^^^
^^^^
^^^
^^
^
Then, he married the one with the biggest tits.

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in.The angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven, whereupon Dolly takes off her top and says,
"Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity."The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up,and gargles. Then, she spits it into the toilet, and pulls the lever.The angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about ? I show you two of God's own perfect creations, and you turn me down.She simply gargles and she gets in.
Would you explain that to me ? ""Sorry, Dolly," says the angel, "but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair, no matter how big they are."

A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to himHe is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry do you know me?" She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. "Christ!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my bum !?""No !!" she replies coldly, "......I'm your son's English Teacher"...

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters. Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey ?" "Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?" "Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her,'You must be Steve's widow'. She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".Noah replies, "No prob's God, me old Supreme Being.
Anything you want, after all you're the guv'But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. this time Noah, I don't want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other"."20 DECKS !" screams Noah "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say.
Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time ?""Yep, that's right, well. Sort of right.
This time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers."Fish ?" queries Noah."Yep, fish. Well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp , wall to wall, floor to ceiling , Carp !"Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, Let me get this right, you want a New Ark ?""Check""With 20 decks, one on top of the other ?""Check"."And you want it full of Carp ?""Check""Why?" Asks the perplexed Noah, Who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether."Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

A priest and the rabbi are sitting next to each other on a plane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork ?" The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork ?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich. The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate ?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh ?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly.
He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said,
^
^
^
^
^
^ "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it ?"

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use this awful language ?" asks the elder. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore ?" "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed the ball." "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again. "Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away !" "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun. "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the fucking putt didn't you ?"

A little girl asked her mum, "Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block ?"
Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean ?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring her over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep her on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's the dog ?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a lady of the night.
She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a bloke.
Tell him a hundred quid. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."
She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much ?
She says, "A hundred pounds."
He says "Shit !". All I've got is thirty."
She says,"Hold on."
She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty quid ?"
Harry says, "A hand job".
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty pounds is a hand job.
He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his trousers, and out pops a huge penis.
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."
She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly,
"Harry, can you lend this guy seventy quid ?".

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazillian soldiers were killed in an accident' "OH DEAR GOD NO !!!" George W. Bush exclaims. "That's terrible !!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President, devastated, looks up and asks..........
"How many is a Brazillion ??!'

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins!..... A boy and a girl. The babies are fine and your brother came in and named them. The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother...he's an idiot !" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name ?" "Denise," says the doctor. The new mother says, "Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother....I like Denise." Then she asks, "What's the boy's name ?"


"Denephew."

A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he is getting out of the car a truck comes flying along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off. Distraught, the lawyer grabs his mobile and calls the cops.
Five minutes later the police arrive. Before the cop has a chance to ask any questions the lawyer starts screaming hysterically, "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined.
No matter how long it's with the panel beater it'll never be the same again. After the lawyer finally finishes his ranting and raving the policeman finally shakes his head in disgust.
"I can't believe how materialistic you bloody lawyers are", he says.
"You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything in your life." "How can you say such a thing at a time like this ?" snaps the lawyer. The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you ?"
The lawyer looks down in absolute horror.
"Fucking hell !" he screams, "Where's my Rolex ?"

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.So he took his costume and away he went.The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party.As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had."Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not here."Then she asked, "Did you dance much ?"He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.
When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening"."You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.To which the husband replied,
"Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.
Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun. So they went back to her place.
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.
But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand". Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay". He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful.
But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet.
You'll have to....... I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun". Cilla complies with the routine.
Again, the results are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks
"Sean, tell me, this 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in the other, does it really stimulate yer that much ?" Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, she stole ma wallet !".

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for $10,000,000. The bookkeeper is deaf and this was considered an occupational benefit since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything; therefore, he would never be able to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me ?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the $10 million dollars is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again !" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him !" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say ?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at his local feed and seed.
One of them says, "You know, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick."
"How did you get it fixed ?" asked the farmer.
"Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's beaver and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her."
He goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's beaver and rubs it all around the bull's nose.
The bull gets a rip roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately.
That night, he gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind.
As she lays sleeping, he dips his fingers into his wife's beaver and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring hard on.
He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out, "Darling. Look at this !"
She rolls over, turns on the light and says, "You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a NOSEBLEED?"

A school teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not fascinating." Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to Graceland and I was fascinated." The teacher said, " Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not fascinated." Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him. Little Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a shirt with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.
When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said."I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on.
When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.
I told her, "of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will."Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on.
Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them."Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will.
I don't want you to forget that".Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack."Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack."Exactly," replied Jill. "And if you don't change your fucking attitude, you never will !!"

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms !" "No matter," said the man. "Observe !" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man ?". "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, ( scroll down ) " ................ BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL" WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.
I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened ? Who is this man ?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but..."


(. . . Wait for it ...)


(.. . . It's worth it.. ..)


"HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER."

John walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."The man says: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep !"

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building plot.One day Willie Smith and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She Hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins.
The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'."You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the bank cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men building a big house.""My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?"The little girl thought for a moment and said,"I think so. Provided those c*nts from Jewsons deliver the f*cking bricks."

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Gloria, have you ever had contact with a penis ?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched one with the tip of my finger . . ."
St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gates."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Catherine, have you ever had contact with a penis ?"
The girl is a little reluctant, but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "OK. Dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gates."
All of the sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa ! What seems to be the rush ?"
The girl replies, "Well, if I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Stephanie sticks her ass in it !

Paddy, (the now very famous Irishman,) is driving home after downinga few at the local pub.
He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a pine tree in the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another pine tree directly in his path.
He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the pine trees.
Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop.
The officer approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing.
Paddy tells his story of the pine trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says,"Fer crissakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener !"

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.
When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?"Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten we can tell them apart."
"Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house.
"Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin Pig.
Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin pig?"
"Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig.
Ten we'll ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear"."Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house.
"Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!." "Now, we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!.
How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
"Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy.
I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail.""Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy,"YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!""Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have the pink one"

An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees ! What powerful rivers ! What beautiful animals !" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could but, looking over his shoulder, he saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He tripped and fell on the ground, rolled over to pick himself up, but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God !"
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man and a Voice came out of the sky.
"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident.
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament ? Am I to count you as a believer ?"
The atheist looked directly into the light and cried:
"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now but, perhaps, You could make the BEAR a Christian" ?
"Very well," said the Voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive through Christ our Lord, Amen."

The year is 2222 and after accumulating enough frequent flier miles, Mike and Maureen land on Mars.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.He's got only a teeny, weenie willy - about half an inch long and just quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!""No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long."Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it looks like a long pencil, it's still pretty narrow...""No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman."Wow!" she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was damn good. How about you?""It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.."The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the! doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing..She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."The doctor was shocked ! "You asked your neighbour ?"
^^^^^^^^The old man replied, "Yep, None of us could get the jar open" !

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.FOR EXAMPLE:One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."I said, "WHAT ??!! What was that ?!"So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."We went on to the jewelery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you... she was so excited.
She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT ?"I then said, "Honey ! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience ?"
The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked,
"OK, so how many sales did you make today ?" The Aussie said "One."
The manager groaned and continued "Just one ? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for ?"....... "£124,237"
The manager choked and exclaimed "£124,237 ??
What the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4 ?"
"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said.........
'Well, since your weekend's fucked, you might as well go fishing."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee and a 250g pack of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.Curiosity getting the better of her, she said,
"Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that ?"The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you ?" "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it -stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse.""Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours !'"
"I don't remember much after that ..."

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicleand tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.
A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by"
A few moments later," Looks like the Anderson 's have company", he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike....."
A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving"
"Jason is on his skate board...."
A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex !!"
Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed ! Dad cautiously called out,
"How do you know they are having sex ?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

A woman has identical twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan".
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, "But they are identical twins.
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.""No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.'
It worked! The headaches are all gone." The husband replies, "Well, that's wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years.
Why don't you go to the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed, and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Wow! That was wonderful!"The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back." He returns to the bathroom and then goes back to the bedroom, and round two is even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back into the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing in front of the mirror, saying,
"She's not my wife .She's not my wife. She's not my wife."His funeral will be held on Monday

Two crocodiles sat in the swamp in Louisiana.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger 'n me.
We're the same age, we were the same size as kids.
I just don't get it."
Well," said the bigger 'croc, "what ya been eatin', son?"
"Politicians, same's you," replied the smaller 'croc.
"Hmm. Well, where are ya catchin' 'em?"
"Down on the other side of the swamp near the parking lot, by the City Hall."
"Same here. Hmm. How ya catchin' 'em?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their cars and wait for 'em to unlock the car door.
Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah !" says the big alligator, "I think I see the problem.
You ain't gettin' any real nourishment.
See? By the time you done shaking' the shit out of a politician, there ain't nothing' left but an asshole and a briefcase!"

Standing in the queue at the pearly gates:
1st woman: Hi My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi ! I’m Sylvia. How’d you die ?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible !
1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you ?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened ?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.
Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer — we’d both still be alive.

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer.
They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT ! I have had enough.
I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets !
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency, and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone ! It's all GONE ! "I lost everything when the power went out !"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait !" he screamed. "That's not fair ! He cheated ! How come he has all his work and I don't have any ?"
God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES

While walking down the street one day a U.S. senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.
We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up.
What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven.
Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.
They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven.
Now choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers:
"Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now, the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator.
"Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.
Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened ?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.For several minutes they sat silently, and then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus.""Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.""Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time for a wee cuddle."The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.""Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time you let me poot me hand on your leg."The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her leg. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time.""Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation."Aye," said the lad.The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.Angus blurted out, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies ?"

A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realises that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift.
So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie.
Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbie's are.
The girl responds:Which one?
We have:Gymnasium Barbie: £19.95
Volleyball Barbie: £19.95
Shopping Barbie: £19.95
Surfer Barbie: £19.95
Disco Barbie: £19.95 and
Divorced Barbie: £299.99
Shocked, the man asks, "why is Divorced Barbie £299.95 when all the other Barbie's are £19.95?"
Exasperated, the girl responds:"Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car
Ken's House
Ken's Boat
Ken's furniture
Ken's jewellery
Ken's money
Ken's computer and Ken's best friend...