Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob.
"Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... )

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.
After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment.
"Watson, you idiot!" he says.

"Someone has stolen our tent!"

A man goes to the doctors. The doc checks him over and says, "Sorry mate, but you've got Yellow 24, a fatal virus, so called because it turns your blood yellow and you have only 24 hours to live".
There's nothing I can do for you, just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to accompany her to the bingo that evening so he can experience her idea of a great night out as he's never been there before.
So at the bingo..........He gets his first card and wins 4 corners; £50, then gets any line and wins a further £200.
Minutes later he calls for a full house and wins a grand (£1000).
The national grid game comes up and he wins a further £100,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says "Son I've never seen you in here before in all my life but you've won 4 corners, any line, a full house and the national game, I've never met anyone so lucky".
"Lucky ?" he screamed, "lucky ?".
I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.
"Yellow 24, Fuck me !," says the bingo caller.

"You've won the raffle as well"!!

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
"Dear God,I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse.
It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with.
I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,Edna
The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
"Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office."
Sincerely yours,
Edna

George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."
The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr. Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."
George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"
To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Bush".
Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr. Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before George Bush could utter another word, the Queen said:

"I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."