A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and he gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell him you have a headache."

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob.
"Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... )

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.
After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment.
"Watson, you idiot!" he says.

"Someone has stolen our tent!"

A man goes to the doctors. The doc checks him over and says, "Sorry mate, but you've got Yellow 24, a fatal virus, so called because it turns your blood yellow and you have only 24 hours to live".
There's nothing I can do for you, just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to accompany her to the bingo that evening so he can experience her idea of a great night out as he's never been there before.
So at the bingo..........He gets his first card and wins 4 corners; £50, then gets any line and wins a further £200.
Minutes later he calls for a full house and wins a grand (£1000).
The national grid game comes up and he wins a further £100,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says "Son I've never seen you in here before in all my life but you've won 4 corners, any line, a full house and the national game, I've never met anyone so lucky".
"Lucky ?" he screamed, "lucky ?".
I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.
"Yellow 24, Fuck me !," says the bingo caller.

"You've won the raffle as well"!!

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
"Dear God,I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse.
It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with.
I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,Edna
The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
"Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office."
Sincerely yours,
Edna

George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."
The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr. Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."
George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"
To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Bush".
Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr. Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before George Bush could utter another word, the Queen said:

"I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinnessand sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one inturn.When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders threemore.The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it;it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishmanreplies,"Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other inAustralia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promisedthat we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the sameway: heorders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from eachof them in turn.One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in thebar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the secondround, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but Iwanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eyeand he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me...""...I've quit drinking!"

The children begged for a bunny rabbit, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one.
They named it Danny.
Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.
The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time--we'll miss him."
"Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes."
Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."
But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage."
With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, "Danny?

We thought you said Daddy!"

An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.
The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??"
Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, rec ycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The Englishman listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"
Englishman: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't.
In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England."
After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in France?" Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
Englishman: "We don't. In England, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France."

A man is dating three women and wants to pick one to marry.
He decides to give them a test.
He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total make over.
She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up, and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.
She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.
She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market.
She earns several times the £5,000.
She gives him back his £5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.
She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
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Then, he married the one with the biggest tits.

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in.The angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven, whereupon Dolly takes off her top and says,
"Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity."The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up,and gargles. Then, she spits it into the toilet, and pulls the lever.The angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about ? I show you two of God's own perfect creations, and you turn me down.She simply gargles and she gets in.
Would you explain that to me ? ""Sorry, Dolly," says the angel, "but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair, no matter how big they are."

A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to himHe is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry do you know me?" She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. "Christ!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my bum !?""No !!" she replies coldly, "......I'm your son's English Teacher"...

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters. Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey ?" "Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?" "Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her,'You must be Steve's widow'. She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".Noah replies, "No prob's God, me old Supreme Being.
Anything you want, after all you're the guv'But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. this time Noah, I don't want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other"."20 DECKS !" screams Noah "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say.
Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time ?""Yep, that's right, well. Sort of right.
This time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers."Fish ?" queries Noah."Yep, fish. Well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp , wall to wall, floor to ceiling , Carp !"Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, Let me get this right, you want a New Ark ?""Check""With 20 decks, one on top of the other ?""Check"."And you want it full of Carp ?""Check""Why?" Asks the perplexed Noah, Who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether."Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

A priest and the rabbi are sitting next to each other on a plane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork ?" The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork ?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich. The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate ?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh ?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly.
He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said,
^
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^ "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it ?"

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use this awful language ?" asks the elder. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore ?" "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed the ball." "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again. "Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away !" "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun. "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the fucking putt didn't you ?"